12.8.13

15 Palmer's PROTIPS for Wall Street Journal Readers

[Helpful reference: Being 86'd is a bit like getting busted for insider trading.]
Hello, Friend! So, you "discovered" Minneapolis? Did the recent glowing Wall Street Journal story on the "ultimate long weekend in Minneapolis" catch your eye?

Nope, it's not in Michigan. It's in Minnesota!

Nope, Minnesota is not in Ohio! It's an entire state, located eight hundred miles further West.

Between Montana and Canada? Yeah, sort of.

Look, never mind. The important thing is that you're here. Welcome! We're glad you and your wallet have arrived.
 
Minneapolis has everything an aspiring Wall Street executive might want, chock full of "authenticity." You'll amaze and astound your friends back home with tales of booze and taxidermy...

... especially if you follow your Wall Street Journal guide and head over to Palmer's, the recommended choice for discerning executives wandering flyover land. As the Wall Street Journal says:
5 p.m. Cross back over the river and duck into Palmer's, one of the city's great dive bars (500 Cedar Ave., palmersbar.net). While the bartender pulls you a Grain Belt Nordeast, read over the Hall of Shame—a board cataloging the offenses of dozens of now-banned patrons. Admire the art (for sale) and the taxidermy fish (not for sale).

Sounds fun, right?

Look, I know that sometimes the Wall Street crowd can feel a bit out of place in the "heartland." It's hard out there for an investment banker.

So here are fifteen helpful PALMERS PROTIPS for the savvy financier. Remember, if Brooklyn is the new Manhattan, West Bank Minneapolis is the new new new Brooklyn...



1) Actually, there's no valet. Don't give that guy your keys.

2) Yeah, I'm not sure I'd park your BMW right there. Palmer's is more of a "stumble out" kind of establishment. Have you considered a taxi cab?

3) When chatting with regulars, try not to sell them investment tips. Sadly, you're barking up the wrong tree.

4) Surprisingly, Palmer's is not known for their single malt selection. Nor for their martinis. I'd stick with whiskey. It comes with a beer chaser. That's a Minnesota tradition you can tell your friends about back on the street.

5) No, they won't change the TV to CNBC. Please stop asking.

6) Yeah, for some reason there's no high-speed internet at Palmer's. You might want to leave your laptop at home.

7) I get it! That call is important. It's just that you might want to take it outside underneath the abandoned concrete overpass. Your loud conversation is disturbing our severely hungover morning patrons. 

8) Oops! Palmer's does not accept your platinum card. You might consider bringing cold cash.

9) If you can avoid paying with a $100 bill, that'd be great.

10) Yes, that is the bathroom.

11) I'm not one to judge, but you probably don't want to be wearing your Fioravanti suit.

12) Feel free to join in the Hippienanny, but please stop requesting Harvard glee club numbers. Also, please put down that tambourine. It's not really working for you.

13) If someone vomits on your Brooks Brothers' loafers, try not to make too much of it. I'm sure it wasn't on purpose.

14) No, that fire is supposed to be there.

15) Actually, that guy at the end of the bar does not need medical attention. Please stop calling 911. He always looks like that. 


That's it. Enjoy slumming it in the "Midwest," wherever that is. If you occasionally feel like you're not "fitting in," always remember... at least you're not that guy who reads Reuters.

[Meet the next best dressed guy at Palmer's.]


Little known fact:

Palmer's was Geoffrey Chaucer's favorite Minneapolis hangout:

Than longen folk to goon on pilgrimages,   
And Palmer's for to seken straunge strondes,   
To ferne halwes, couthe in sondry londes;
 Actual quote! The story of Palmer's is the oldest tale in the English tongue.

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