America Retouched

[This content recycled from my now mothballed website, www.excitablemedia.com. Happy USA Day!]

I gotta tell ya, America, you're not looking so hot. Look at that wrinkly shirt. When's the last time you've been to a laundromat?

America, seriously. Get out of bed, its five in the afternoon. The sun's going down.

America, I remember your smiles. What happened to those?

Look, America, you can stay here for another week, but then you gotta start kicking in some rent, okay?

Hey America! Quit pissing on that tree. You're in the middle of Town Square.

Yeah, that was me waving to you the other day as you walked, or should I say stumbled down Main at three in the afternoon. That was me waving to you, shouting out "America! America," while you turned around the wrong way and fell down on top of your bag of baloney and Wonder Bread. I'm proud of you anyway, America, for getting that far.

[Even in the past...]

America, did you eat the rest of my sausage pizza? I was saving that for tomorrow's lunch. You could ask next time, you know.

Ginsburg is dead, America. Due to that wrinkle with his estate, you're not getting any royalties.

America, thanks for dinner the other night. I never knew a half-can of pork 'n' beans could feed so many.

America, I'm getting the sense that hygiene's not really your thing. Here's a buck, buy some soap.

America, I'm tired of driving you around all night because you're too sauced to remember where you live. Why don't you get out of the car right here?

Sunday is kitchen clean-up day, America. Can I count on you to be there this time? Please?

America, okay, I know you're an allright guy. Remember that time when we did that thing together? That was fun.

America, if I have to pick your dirty socks up off the TV again, I'm gonna scream.

[... children are the future.]

To Anacreon in Heav'n,
Where he sat in full glee,
A few Sons of Harmony
Sent a petition
That he their Inspirer
And Patron would be;
When this answer arrived
From the Jolly Old Grecian:
"Voice, Fiddle, and Flute,
No longer be mute,
I'll lend you my name
And inspire you to boot,

And besides I'll instruct you,
Like me, to intwine
The Myrtle of Venus
With Bacchus's Vine."

--Ralph Tomlinson, To Anecreon in Heaven.
The original lyrics for the melody that became The Star Spangled Banner.

[The future is now.]